As a person that lacks self-confidence when it comes down to relationships, there are some things that I completely fail to understand about myself. The first thing is how the hell I
ended up with such an amazing man in the first place. I never truly believed I would find exactly what I was hoping to find, which leads me to thinking that I must have been born with unbelievable luck. However, I managed to accept this over time. I even started thinking that it may not be all down to luck. Maybe there was something really special about me. Maybe I deserved it after all those shitty relationships I went through, may be I was really worth it. Was I, though?
The thing that strikes me the most, however, is that it appears that not one, but two men now think that there is this „uncertain something“ about me that makes them want to get
involved with me. You see, I always thought I’d be lucky to have the complete attention and devotion of only one man, and now that there are two of them, I’m completely and utterly confused as of what to do next.
But I wasn’t always like that.
There were times when I was surrounded by a circle of flesh-hungry insatiable wooers that were ready to tell me all the sweetest lies just to lay in bed with me (and of course, do
other things except just laying). Then I met the man of my life and somehow he made me forget about everyone else that preceded him. He changed me entirely and irreversibly.
He made me more prudent, well-mannered, delicate… he turned me into the woman that I always hoped to become. And when I secretly remembered all those men before him, I
could no longer feel anything different than regret and total disgust of /contempt for my self and my body. How could I let this happen to me? How could I make all those mistakes?
What was I thinking back then? Did I even think at all?
But I quickly realised that none of these questions matter now, since I am no longer going to be that way.
Until that other man started interacting with me.
Now, let me be 100% clear. I am absolutely not going to let him leave the side bench and become an essential part of my life. Or maybe he has already become an essential part
of my life, since I am putting a lot of thinking into what I should do with him.
I don’t even like him. He’s not my type, he’s so predictable that I can play out any conversation I’ll ever have with him in my head. He’s full of unfinished business. Like… he knows that I’m not like most of the girls in my hometown, but he doesn’t bother to go further and treat me differently than them. I’m way smarter and more knowledgeable than he is. There is absolutely no challenge in here for me. Maybe under different circumstances (if I were single) I would fuck him just to see what he’s like in bed and then leave him thinking that he’s the one that used me when it’s exactly the opposite. But this is not for me anymore and there is absolutely no point in doing this.
But despite all this, there *is* one thing I like about him. I like that he likes me. I like that he wants me. I like that there is another man except my fiance that acknowledges my
qualities (or at least the ones laying on the surface). This shouldn’t be surprising given my low self-esteem which I mentioned in the very beginning of this story.
So what am I supposed to do?
Right now I see two options in front of me.
The first one is the selfish one. I go on talking with him, I go on letting him flirt with me, doing nothing else, promising nothing, giving nothing. This will keep my confidence up for
some time, but on the long run I’ll get used to it and accept that there is absolutely no point in what I’m doing and it’s kind of pathetic to rely on other people to draw my self- confidence from.
This will hurt both my fiance and this guy.
Now, my fiance is completely aware of what I’m doing and knows about every word I have told to this other man. But I know he is thinking that I’m indulging in this … whatever-this-is… because I must feel that he is simply not enough for me. Which is completely not the case. It’s just that a conceited person like me never gets enough of flattery and attention. But he must know that this man is never ever going to threaten what we have with my fiance, because he is never going to be nearly as good or deep as my fiance is. There is not even room for comparison here. But still my man is very jealous so eventually he’d stop tolerating my behaviour toward that other guy.
As for the other guy, I couldn’t be less concerned about his feelings, although I do realise he’s a pretty good guy and just like any other human being deserves love and affection.
But I can’t be concerned in that way for a guy that mostly wants to sleep with me than anything else. He has some qualities that I might like and he’s probably not like most of the
men that I despise, but still… I can’t be bothered with those qualities when he is not bothered by mine of that sort. Despite that, I know that this first choice of action would hurt him, too.
You see, flirting is a good thing, but it wears off eventually, even more so if you don’t keep the promise of sexual intercourse (as Milan Kundera put it in „The unbearable lightness
of being“). Plus it must be pretty sad to put all your sexual energy (or at least a considerable part of it) into something that is never going to happen. I talked to the guy about that and he said that hope is what keeps us all alive. Oh well. I could give him a little hope. But somehow I know that this will crush him even more in the end. Especially if he gets too attached. I just can’t be responsible for this.
Which leads me to option two.
Leave the guy alone, stop talking to him, start avoiding him, reject him now so there is noone hurt in the end. Somehow I believe this won’t turn out to be effective. I believe that he has reached to a certain point when my rejection inspires him to try even harder. Here’s another fact that I should have probably disclosed a little bit earlier: this guy has liked me
for years. Ever since the first time he met me, which happens to be about 7 or 8 years ago. Of course he wasn’t completely devoted to me during all that time, he just saw me as an
interesting and probably very distant option, but still this is a lot of time to reject him right now. I know I appear to be the total and unconditional bitch in this situation, but in my
defence I’d say that I’ve only known about his interest in me since last year.
So these are the facts as they really are. And I still don’t know what to do. But I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually, even if it’s too late. (And by „too late“ I don’t mean the moment I’m in this other guy’s hands, about to be kissed, NO – this is never going to happen because of both of us and the respect he has for me and my choices). What I hope for the most is that things will figure out themselves. I’m really crossing my fingers here.
So tell me you love me,
only for tonight,
even though you don’t love me…